Crack

This issue MediaSpank brings you an exclusive insight into the world’s favourite despot; it’s Gadaffi’s personnel papers.

Plucked from the briefcase of a Fox News executive found lying in a pool of vomit and self loathing, this heavily redacted account covers a week in mid March when the world was debating how best to stem Gadaffi’s attacks on his own people. Marked with coffee stains and what looks like cigar ash and tanning-cream smears, the papers give you an insight into the mind of the The Colonel, who’s been leading Libya in one role or another for over 40 years.

Monday 14 March

In Tripoli the rats are running in the alleys. We have been infiltrated by Bin Laden, drugs and madness. Bin laden’s sons have been working here for months. His operatives are providing our children with hallucinogenic pills. We must arrest them.

Tuesday 15 March

This morning I kissed a small boy. On the forehead. He wished me good tidings and wept. He said I looked like The Thing under the heat of a thousand suns. He called me Gold Sheen and said he wished I’d stay with him and protect his family, humble servants.

How can the United Nations talk about stopping me? This is not a war between two countries that permits the council to intervene. Do they not know that I’m the Imam of Muslims, the Dean of Arab Rulers, the Keeper of Arab Nationalism and the King of Kings?  

I will turn their lives into hell.

Wednesday 16 March

Today I thought a lot about the concept of women. Women, like men, are human beings. This is an incontestable truth. Women are different from men in form because they are females. According to gynaecologists women, unlike men, menstruate each month. Since men cannot be impregnated they do not experience the ailments that women do. She breastfeeds for nearly two years.

That fool Cameron is on TV again. Wait till his father hears about this. Doesn’t he know about the accord we struck in the desert so many years ago? That pudgy face dough-boy, he supports the insurgency. Terrorists! They want to colonise this great nation, take our oil.

Thursday 17 March

Do not believe these channels, they are dogs. First there was the Dog Whisper and It’s Me or the Dog, now Katy Perry has a walk on part on How I Met Your Mother. Barney, where’s your voluptuous Ukrainian nurse? Perry is a tramp, not a lady. Brand can keep her.

Friday 18 March

Today we lay down our arms, tomorrow we may fight. I am not sure what to do next. The people love me, why can’t the world see it? Do they not want to fight al-Qaeda with me?

Cameron is just posing; he has no experience in these matters. What does a man who has had a career in Public Relations know about going to war? I led this glorious nation to overthrow the government in 1969 without violence, fear or oppression, he has men shooting and killing our Arab brothers all over the world. This morning Aleksandreyeva brought me a new umbrella.

Saturday 19 March

How can I resign? This is an honorary position. I am like a Prince Andrew or Queen Elizabeth. I am an envoy for the peace and good will of my oil. In Britain who has the power, is it Queen Elizabeth or is it David Cameron?

Soon it will be the turn of the black race. There are inevitable cycles of social history: the yellow race’s domination of the world and the white race’s attempts at colonise extensive areas of all continents of the world. Now, it is the turn of the black race to prevail in the world.

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Words: Christopher Goodfellow

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Illustration: Sally Haysom

http://mybearhands.wordpress.com

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