Crack

He’s dead. The bad guy of bad guys. The Ayatollah of global terrorism and the embodiment of pure evil. The man with a $25m bounty on his head has been killed with one shot to the heart and one to the head. Brilliant.

Apparently ‘Cool hand Luke’ Obama ordered the attack on Osama’s compound on the Friday, to be executed on Sunday the 1st of May. On the Saturday night he relaxed at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, laying into Fox News and ‘ferret hat wearing’ Trump, alongside Seth Meyers.

Even better, he came on stage to a video mash-up of Transformers, baseball victories, flying eagles, cowboys and his birth certificate thumping to the beat mid-screen – with Hulk Hogan’s theme, I Am A Real American, playing in the background. Genius.

Looking on was Donald ‘the world’s greatest feat of hairginering’ Trump, then prospective presidential candidate, now, sadly, just another bellend with millions of dollars.

As he bowed out, costing comedy dearly, he uttered the ridiculous: “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.”

This is why MediaSpank would never support a Conservative, Republican, or any other right-leaning party; they’re old, rich, unfunny and full of shit.


Dead-terrorist bounce

They say Obama’s dead-terrorist bounce only lasted two weeks in the polls. That said, the post- assassination belittling campaign was rather deft.

Tailored to ruin his reputation, and rightly so. No burial; no shrine. Videos of an old man sitting on the floor watching cable, implications that he used a women as a human shield... Then we learnt that Seal Team 6 had uncovered a stash of pornography in the compound.


What was going on under that dog-eared blanket?

Who know or cares if it was his, his son’s or one of the couriers? It’s hard core porn and comedic gold all round, inspiring a brilliant run of titles from Comedy Central’s The Daily Show – Whackistan, Al Jizzeera, The Porn Identity, Dead Man Wanking et al.


Who can paint the prettiest turd?

Meanwhile, back in Old Blighty, the stressed bond of collective responsibility which has held the coalition’s cabinet together through a series of Liberal drubbing moments has come under real pressure.

Finally, they’ve drank the serum of NHS reform and Cleggeron has emerged as a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde- like monster. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping.

Now they shall battle to take credit for reforming one of the dumbest pieces of policy I’ve heard in years. Who can paint the prettiest turd we wonder? It also gave Gromit-eyed Miliband his best one-two punch in during Prime Minister’s questions ever. Well, I mean, I don’t listen to those baying aresholes week in week out, but it did sound pretty good.

He called out ‘soon to be suffering from serious hair loss’ Cameron claiming support of the country’s thousands of doctors because 72-ish health care professionals wrote to the Daily Hate, representing “literally thousands of patients”. As compared to the anti-reform stance of the vast majority of doctors, the British Medical Association, right-thinking folk and more.

Well done Ed! I’d transcribe it here but honestly, I can’t find the bloody tape. So it sort of loses its impact...



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Christopher Goodfellow

Illustration: Lee Nutland

http://www.leenutland.com

http://www.Twitter.com/MediaSpank

Send rants to media@youlovecrack.com

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