Crack

What follows is a transcript of salient answering machine messages from Prime Minister David Cameron’s mobile phone accessed or ‘hacked’ by a private investigator in the employ of the News of the World in July 2011.


Rupert Murdoch: 19:37, 6 July:

Dave... You asked me [TRAILS OFF]. That was a very good question, Dave... Call me. It’s very, very important. I hate to drag this affair out David, but we need to be very careful. This stuff has a lot of poignancy and I just think we should have a long, think about it.

Samantha Cameron - 12:35, 7 July:

Is this safe, where are you? Can they hear me talking now? I miss you David… I want to feel that pudgy face next time. Oh, I love the way that nose of yours pokes out like I’ve pinched the top of a dinner roll dough ball. Come home to me – I’ve an old cigar tube and we can go to your office again.

Ed Miliband - 23:35, 10 July:

I told you last week to hold full independent public inquiry. I raised these issues, I should get credit. Get around the negotiating table and stop it happening again.

Ed Miliband – 07:40, 11 July:

It’s out of touch. David, I urge you to put aside the rhetoric, get around the negotiating table and stop it happening again.

Giles Andreae – 10:00. 16 July:

It’s Giles here from Oxford. Remember me old chap? It’s been an awfully long time… Remember when you punched that hoodie in the nose for saying gollywog and trying to steal our weed in the Hi Lo Cafe? The court of Cameron! I don’t think we even used the word ‘hoodie’ back then. Anyway, look I need a job, anything going for me at the office?

Ed Miliband - 13:45, 17 July 2011:

Return your phone calls, David. What were you doing today? I’ve only seen one, look... I urge you to put aside the rhetoric, get around the negotiating table and stop it happening again.

Her Majesty the Queen: 19:15, 18 July:

David, are you still coming over tomorrow? I wanted to talk to you about the phone hacking scandal. Why haven’t you mentioned this Coulson gentleman before? Is he important? I’m very concerned about this. Have you ask Murdoch about my phone yet? One is always afraid of scandal especially after that issue with William knocking over the corgi last year. He already has a chip on his shoulder after everything with the wedding and I don’t want it to get worse.

Ed Miliband – 19:25, 18 July 2011:

David, I urge you to put aside the rhetoric, get around the negotiating table and stop it happening again.

Her Majesty the Queen: 19:37, 18 July:

I’ll keep it short because EastEnders is on and they’re throwing a millionaires’ party, did you get my message from earlier? It’s just I’m worried about that nice young lady with the ginger hair. Didn’t she work for this awful lot? Dreadful shame if she did, she was a snappy dresser – long shirts and pads on her shoulder all around – let’s try and fix a job up for her, can we? Very powerful. Can’t we find here something in your office? She must know everybody.

Mary Fleur - 23:35, 21 July 2011:

David, this is your mother why are you hanging around with barons like that Rupert. He’s awful David, awful. He’s got pie on his face David – don’t forget your lineage!

Ed Miliband - 23:35, 21 July 2011:

Let me go on Dave, I know this is difficult, not the time for technicalities, we need legitimacy, we have said consistent[ANSWERING MACHINE CUTS OUT]


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Words: Christopher Goodfellow

Illustration: Lee Nutland

http://www.leenutland.com

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