Crack

I literally could not have gone to a better night last week. From a journalistic point of view, we are talking perfect cannon fodder. Before you read on a quick word of warning: if you’re hoping for lurid descriptions of scandal and intrigue, fist fights and sex scenes, then you should stop reading NOW and go and buy a copy of The Daily Star. The reason that the night in question was the dopest EVER is because it was sculpted around my three favourite things: football, music and free liquor. Scratch that, it was crafted around these things: Arsenal FC, Hudson Mohawke, Blood Orange, Raffertie, Benji B and free liquor.

The 'Grass Roots Summer Barbecue of Forward Thinking Music' could not have fallen on a better day. Firstly, I was sat about smoking zuts and twiddling my thumbs before the good word arrived that two tickets were up for grabs. Secondly, the sun was beaming down on London, which gave me a rare opportunity to crack out the shorts and ludicrously long Ralph Lauren socks (brown with pink hoops). And finally, it just so happened that a rather tasty and potentially treacherous Arsenal match was on the tube. The Gunners found themselves in a slight pickle away to Udinese in a second leg qualifier to determine who would be battling it out in the Champions League proper - Europe's elite club competition for all my duncehats out there.

Surely they would be playing the game at the bashment? It would literally be the biggest pile of shit if they weren't.

I turn up at 1948, a covert Nike concept store situated slap bang in the trendiest trendsetting ends of East London with my bezzie Johannes and burn straight through the venue in search of a plasma screen. A black and white wind up TV would have done fine. After bombing across the dance floor, skimming past a few rails of hyper nang Arsenal garments (the leather armed '125 Destroyer' baseball jacket deserves a special mention here) and grabbing an aggressively gingery Havana Club cocktail (only the finest for the red half of North London), I stumble upon a room kitted out with a 6 tier set of wooden high-school stadium style seats and a 20 foot wide projector screen beaming the footy hard.

Game on.

Arsenal made Udinese look decent in the first leg of this tie, ending with a measly 1-0 lead. I went to the Emirates to watch the game with my pops and have never seen an Arsenal side play as badly. Just to contextualise a little, I have been going to see the Gunners with my pops since I was 6 so I know my shit. On taking my seat at the bash and sipping on my cocktail, I was happy to see the lads zipping the ball around the Italian turf in customary fashion. We’re talking football with the kind of swag the spoilt Arsenal faithful have grown to expect in each and every match.

The trouble is, it was mega hard to watch my beloved team tear it up as there were so many distractions around. Everything was a distraction at this party. Everything. Have I mentioned the booze? The live music spanning the wobble richter, the framed Arsenal shirts from the last however many seasons plastered all over the walls? EVERYTHING. The only thing that I didn't find hugely distracting was the Nando's barbecue, as the only veggie option was green olives and seeing as I’m a vegetarian, that was some bullshit.

Anyway, this is how the night went and let me tell you I have always wanted to write something in this format. Apologies in advance for addressing myself in the third person.

19:45 - Arsenal get the match underway at the Stadio Friuli, a 40,000 seater stadium in northeastern Italy.

19:48 - Tom and Johannes rock up and bowl into the venue.

19:49 - Tom swipes a cocktail and locates the best screen ever. He is happy to see that Arsenal are pinging the ball across the turf in customary fashion.

19:54 - DISALLOWED GOAL FOR UDINESE!! Di Natale (Udinese's only good player) latches onto a header in the area, but he's at least a yard offside, and his neat swivel and volley ends up counting for fuck all.

19:55 - Johannes joins Tom to watch the game and asks really loudly: "So which team is Arsenal? The team in black and white?"

19:57 - Johannes gets bored and boots to get more drinks. "I'll grab you a beer. Be back in two minutes.”

20:03 - BIG CHANCE FOR UDINESE! Isla breaks away down the right and finds Di Natale (told you). The striker takes a touch and chips a good cross to Armero, his header hitting the post. Fuck.

20:04 - Tom grows ever more wary of shouting and screaming like a rabid animal as more and more people begin to look at him funny. He shuts the fuck up and tucks into some olives.

20:07 - UDINESE HIT THE MOTHERFUCKING POST AGAIN! Badu breaks away down the right and plays a lovely ball into Di Natale (told you) on the edge of the six yard box, only to see his shot hit the near post. Massive let off. Still winning though.

20:17 - HUGE CHANCE FOR ARSENAL! Gervinho tricks his way past two defenders in the box and lays it on a plate for Theo Walcott eight yards out, but his shot is complete pony. The ball ricochets to Robin Van Persie, but his punt goes straight into the keeper's legs.

20:23 - Tom can’t hold it any longer and simply has to piss. Before heading towards the toilet he asks a guy called Moses Jazz Weiner (no lie) to look after his seat. As he walks to the WC he hears a massive and unanimous groan from behind him ...

20:24 - GOAL FOR UDINESE!! A lofted ball into the Arsenal box finds Di Natale (told you), who beats Djourou to the header with a looping effort that nestles in the top corner. Fuck.

20:47 - Half time.

20:47 - Still no Johannes. Tom goes to the bar and swipes two fizzy cola based cocktails that taste like they are made with Panda Pops. BIG.

20:48 - Tom locates Johannes in the courtyard trying to romance some fashionista with an LA Raiders cap placed on her head backwards. Johannes spots Tom and they decide the best course of action is to smoke a zut in the alleyway outside.

20:55 - Stoned. Tom grabs another box of green olives. Johannes grabs another chicken wrap.
Tom and Johannes bowl back into the venue and clock Blood Orange absolutely macking it on stage. One guy, one laptop, one guitar, one loop pedal, one amp and one mic. One man band.

20:56 – Tom cannot stop watching Blood Orange. He knows that his team are under the cosh and need his undivided attention but Blood Orange is on fire so he nabs another drink and nods his head to the eclecticisms.

20:57 – Devonte Hynes (aka Blood Orange aka Lightspeed Champion) is a serious talent. Tom is captivated by his one man wizardry. Johannes appears indifferent. Flirting with punk, thrash, indie and pop, Blood Orange is a more than worthy distraction from the game. Johannes is already talking to another girl. I can't make out exactly what they are talking about but I think it might be shoes.

20:57 – GOALFLASH! ARSENAL GOAL! UDINESE 1 ARSENAL 1! Massive goal. A potential £20m goal, no less. Robin van Persie rewards Arsenal's bright start to the half with a tap-in from a cut-back after excellent work from Gervinho down the left. Udinese now need two goals which they are so not going to get maybe.

20:59 - PENALTY TO UDINESE. FOR FUCKS SAKE.

21:00 – PENALTY MISS UDINESE! OMG what a save from Wojciech Szczesny in between the Arsenal sticks. Thomas 'The Verminator' Vermaelen handles the ball in the box. Up steps Di Natale (told you). He strikes the ball plum and true towards the top right corner only to be denied by Chesney's outstretched right hand. WHAT A SAVE. BEST SAVE EVER. YOUTUBE IT!

21:03 - The Udinese team go wild at the ref about a sweetly-timed tackle by Super Tom Rosicky. Italian footballers are world leaders at two things: diving and moaning.

21:10 - GOALFLASH! UDINESE 1 – 2 ARSENAL! THEO THEO THEO! GOODNIGHT UDINESE! What a brilliant goal. A potential £20m goal, no less. (I'll stop doing that now). Theo Walcott swaps passes with Bacary Sagna, out-strips Medhi Benatia with consummate ease, and then slots the ball home past Udinese keeper Samir Handanovic to place one Gunners foot in the Champions League group stages.

21:12 - Tom returns to the soccer after Blood Orange takes a little breather. He feels compelled to see what all the cheering is about. He soon realises that he has missed two goals, but also learns later about Schezzer's world class penalty save from Moses Jazz Weiner (no lie). He feels joy and guilt in equal measure.

21:23 - Udinese are deflated, haggard and done. If Udinese are going to pull off a miracle, they need something super soon. Antonio Di Natale (...) stands over a free-kick wide on the left which he whips nicely at goal, only for Wojciech 'The Legend' Szczesny to punch the shit into it. DENIED.

21:27 - Johannes returns to the seats with more booze. We agree that we are both drunk and with only a matter of minutes left to play decide to go and smoke another zut. GAME OVER.

21:34 - FULL TIME. Udinese 1-2 Arsenal (agg. 1-3). Arsenal reach the Champions League group stages for the 14th consecutive season. You cannot fault the Gunners consistency in this competition. You can, however, fault their lack of swag in the knockout stages.

21:40 - Even more stoned and completely drunk to boot, Tom and Johannes head back into the venue and spot Hudson Mohawke on the 1s and 2s. Having listened to his latest offering Satin Panthers only earlier, Tom is excited by the prospect of the wobble richter being put through its paces during Mr Mohawke's time on stage.

21:42 - Johannes boots to chat up more girls. Tom wobbles on the dancefloor while at the same time trying to figure out how someone who looks about fifteen can carry so much much clout in the scene. In terms of experimental dance music, Hudson has been carrying the torch for years as Warp Records’ finest purveyor of turntable heavy wobble hop.

21:55 - Tom and Johannes notice that all of the liquor, chicken and olives have been consumed. They also notice that most of the vibe has gone with the freebies, as in people are leaving like a swarm of locusts in search of the next free bashment.

22:00 - At exactly ten o'clock Johannes and Tom call it a night. They jump on their bikes and head to Brick Lane to eat a curry, drink some more liquor and chew the fat with Dj Sugai and J Rap, two of Cambridge's most fantastic exports.



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Words: Tom Hawkins

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