22.07.15
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Unless you’re still on some kind of TalkTalk dial-up modem system or the Virgin Media man is reluctant to grant you fibre optic, you’ll know who Big Narstie is.

He’s the grime MC, agony-uncle, and online personality that speaks for a generation. Whether he’s responding to dilemmas such as “My mum caught me wanking” and “My man is a wasteman” or spreading the positive vibes of BDL (Base Defence League), he’s always surrounded by loyal fans, committed supporters and keen listeners. It’s been a long time coming, but we finally got Uncle Pain himself to answer Crack’s 20 Questions. Just don’t mention Bobby Beale.

What was your favourite cartoon when you were a kid?
Dexter’s Lab. Dexter was on stuff.

Do you have a number one fan?
My number one fan seems to be George Ezra. That’s love still.

Who is your favourite member of the Wu Tang Clan?
I’d say Cappadonna.

What is the worst hotel you’ve ever stayed in?
It was a Travelodge I think. It was all types of wrong – the toilet seat wasn’t even on the toilet fam.

What is your signature dish?
What are you talking about bruv?

What do you cook for people most often?
I don’t cook for people most often. I’m not a fucking chef out here cuz.

If you were trying to seduce a potential lover, what music would you play?
Some Keith Sweat. Some R. Kelly, you know that shit like [sings] ‘My mind’s telling me no! But my body…’

Do you ever send post second class?
I’m not really a postman guy still.

What’s your favourite board game?
Monopoly because it’s about making money.

Is there a piece of advice you wish you’d given to yourself 10 years ago?
Don’t fuck up in school bruv. Dick ’ed.

Have you ever taken acid?
Nah. See man like me yeah? I come from the city of Zion. I deal with ganja, heavy. I’ve never taken acid drugs cos I don’t feel that way cuz. That would be fucking scary for man like me cuz. Way too scary – my mind is fucked up as it is.

What’s your worst habit?
I used to watch porn on a separate TV in my house, but now I’m on a righteous path.

Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?
I can’t really say Ed Sheeran cause that’s family. Walter White’s son from Breaking Bad cuz. He was at the BRITs.

What is your favourite snack when you’re drunk?
I’m more of a juice man. I like to have a frozen juice, slushing like that exotical juice. Anything exotic or Caribbean.

What is your favourite TV game show?
Catchphrase was a deeper game show.

Who do you think should’ve killed Lucy Beale on EastEnders?
It should have been the shotter you know – it should have been the dealer.

What did you think when you found out that it was the kid?
When I found out it was Bobby I couldn’t even speak, do you know what I mean? They took man for a fucking idiot. I was like, rah, Bobby you know. It made sense though cause Bobby could’ve just been oppressing bare different rage inside. You know them ones there? Them kids like Bobby are the most dangerous ones who never get told off. They are living in a whole different world to real niggas. They never get in trouble. They never got a clip round the ear when they start fucking up.

Who is your favourite character from The Simpsons and why?
Homer Simpson, real G.

What are your feelings towards the concept of brunch?
Brunch is a good meal still. You know when you put in that chicken kiev with chips in the oven? Have a Coke Zero on the side to keep you motivated.

What would you want written on your tomb stone?
Rest in peace. How else can I look at it?

Big Narstie appears at Outlook, Croatia, 2-6 September