5 NSA Surveillance Operations That Could Be Buzz Bands
No-one likes a creep. Especially if that creep happens to be an economic superpower’s national security policy…
It was announced today that the US House of Representatives have called for an end to the NSA’s bulk collection of phone data. Hooray, a tiny win.
In light of the massive shitstorm that is the NSA being a bunch of massive shits I’ve gathered together some information that you can steal from the NSA in return for them stealing all those valuable Farmville stats off you.
Here are five actual NSA surveillance operations that have names you can use for your new buzz band. I’ve also given each one a nifty guide on how to get absolutely massive. Thank me later.
Messiah
How to be Get Started
Play nothing but the hardest industrial techno remixes of Vengaboys deep cuts. Wear a shit load of Moschino. Litter your music with airhorns. Constantly Tweet absolute bollocks. Refuse to do interviews. Do an interview with Grazia. Slag off all your mates, all the time.
How To Get Massive
Zomby will probably love you and sign you to Cult Music immediately before deciding he hates you and kicks you into the gutter.
Night Surf
How To Get Started
Bun so many blunts it’s a wonder you ever make it into the studio at all. Bun a few more blunts. Talk about the beach a bit. More blunts. Watch a lot of Simpsons. Bong. Simpsons. Bong. Release fifteen demos of garageband-recorded-psyche-pop-punk.
How To Get Massive
You should send all your demos to Gnar Tapes and hope they don’t realize they all sound the same. They will be too stoned to realise and you will become very famous on Bandcamp.
Cultweave
How To Get Started
Position yourself as a nomadic tribe of sun worshipping shamen. Fashion clothing from the hides of animals. Watch that episode of The Mighty Boosh where they get stuck in the desert on repeat for three days. Wear masks.
How To Get Massive
Don’t you know someone who goes out with the Kora player in Goat? Ask them for a support slot. Failing that you can just repeatedly tag Gilles Petersen in all of your Facebook posts until he agrees to play your new single on the wireless.
Cyber Trans
How To Get Started
Write a thesis on deconstructionist cybergrind. Appropriate some occult imagery. Wear Fear Factory t-shirts ironically. Wear Napalm Death t-shirts unironically. Release your first album as an installation at MoMa. Move to Portland. Be prepared to take a lot of criticism. Like… A lot of criticism.
How To Get Massive
Pitchfork.
Air Gap
How To Get Started
Live in Brooklyn. Buy all the effects pedals. Like, literally, all the effects pedals. Make sure everyone in the band looks as much like American Apparel models as possible. Fire everyone in the band. Hire some American Apparel models.
How To Get Massive
If you manage to somehow discern yourself from the 6 million other bands that look and sound identical to you on SoundCloud then you should count yourself lucky. Assuming this does happen make sure to break up before you get too big. Headline a slew of major festivals in 2035.
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