Glastonbury 2015: Getting Your Money’s Worth

Friday

Of course first lady of RnB Mary J Blige is going to cost a bit off-Glasto. She pulls £40.50 on the regular, but when you watch her on the Pyramid Stage, it’s like you’re gaining money. Thanks, Mazza.

Woah there partner, you’re going nowhere. Next at the Pyramid is Motörhead. Bet you weren’t expecting that after a bit of Blige, were you? What a great bit of festival programming. The metalheads will put £31 in your moth-bitten pocket.

Glasto’s just not complete till you watch a cheesy 80s act while swaying in the breeze smashed off your face, and this year’s is a doozy: Lulu. Mate. This is gonna be great. It’ll also save you the £44 pound you’d definitely have spent on seeing her in your own sweet time.

Big hitter of the day award goes to The Proclaimers. People in the UK are happily seeing them for FIFTY-FIVE POUNDS on tour, so you should feel smug as fuck as you watch them carry on at the acoustic stage. More of that sort of thing continues at the Left Field Stage with a £25 Billy Bragg gig.

AT LAST, the quite expensive headliner: Florence + the Machine. Our Flozza’s normal tour price is quite the bargainous forty-four quid (same as Lulu) but she nicely tops off the £239.50 you’ve saved today. Time for an over-priced beer, Del Boy.

Saturday

On Saturday morning you will be experiencing your first proper Glastonbury hangover.

Fortunately for you, you won’t even have to get out of bed till half eleven to see an overpriced artist performing songs you’ve never heard before. Frank Turner is on the other stage at 12 PM. Grab ten meal deals from Sainsbury’s when you get home with the £30 you just saved on tickets. Next up Azealia Banks will be playing £35’s worth of live hip hop at you on the very same stage. No need to even move. Brilliant.

By the time half 2 rolls around there’ll be enough time to stop off at a portaloo before heading to George Ezra’s Pyramid Stage set where you’ll be able to recoup a musical deficit of roughly £30. A bargain compared to the £60 you’d have to drop to see Burt Bacharach (who?) in real life.

At this point we’d suggest you make your way over to the cider bus and necking £60’s worth of prime Somerset rocket fuel before heading back to see Paloma Faith and Pharell Williams who have just basically given you £30 each to spend on dodgy mushrooms. Thank you very much.

Of course, Saturday evening is a no-brainer, Kanye West tickets usually go for about £60 in the UK. Seriously though, in just one day you’ve made back all your ticket money and you’ll probably find a way to carry on the evening saving money by blagging food from hospitable Hare Krishna devotees and stuff.

You thrifty, thrifty person.

Sunday

Phwoar, feeling good off yesterday aren’t we? Feel all those extra coins jangling in your pocket. You saddo.

Today, you can stay in bed until two o’ clock and still make a profit on your ticket price. Don’t say we never spoil you. In a freak turn of events, the first thing you see might actually something you quite fancy at 2.15pm on a Sunday: Patti Smith. She will bless 35 quid unto your bank account like the angel she is.

After Patti, don’t get up – Lionel Richie’s up next, and a ticket to see him is usually a hefty £73. Are you starting to see why all those middle-aged people set up deckchairs at the back of the Pyramid Stage and sit there ALL WEEKEND yet? They’ve got the right idea. Sit next to them and try and cadge a Carling from their icebox. Yum.

NO, NO, DON’T get up – a lovely plinky plonky 30 pound’s worth of Alt-J is on next at the Pyramid and those pennies mean it’s worth you developing deep vein thrombosis at the biggest festival in the UK. Are you slipping into a stupor yet? You should be.

Enjoy that? No? Good, you dirty old skinflint. Off you trot to the Other Stage for a forty-five minute’s worth of Belle and Sebastian. They’re £25 per gig usually, so a forty-five minute chunk of the stuff should earn you £18.75.

You don’t have time to eat before Paul Weller so you find yourself sweaty and broken at the back of the Pyramid Stage again. Cadge another Carling while you watch £44 posture onstage. I mean, the former The Jam frontman posture onstage.

WHEYHEY, HERE COMES THE JACKPOT. After fainting in a Portaloo due to lack of food and water, you awaken and realise The Who are on your favourite Pyramid Stage. You crawl out, able to see them through one dry, slitted eye. That’s a massive £85 quid you’ve saved there. Wait ‘til you tell the kids.

GRAND TOTAL SAVED: £800.25
NET PROFIT: £550.25