Last week, news emerged that Goldie had allegedly accidentally supposedly divulged the true identity of iconic street artist Banksy.

Rumours had been circulating for a year or two among tabloid newspapers – and random men down the pub – that Banksy was in fact Robert ‘3D’ Del Naja of Massive Attack. I mean, he’s from Bristol, so’s Banksy. His work is political, so’s Banksy’s. He’s been to many cities and places, so’s Banksy.

Nothing is confirmed. The mystery remains intact. Because of that, we put on our rain macs and reached out to our network of moles to assess a few more suspects. It’s been a crazy seven days of frontline investigative journalism and – alas – we are no closer to the truth. Here are our findings. Please contact 1-800-IM-BANKSY from a withheld number if you know anything. Your anonymity, a bit like Banksy’s, is assured.

Jon Snow cannabis

Jon Snow

Probability: 8

We can’t pinpoint the precise moment that Jon Snow went from being known primarily as an award-winning journalist and flagship news presenter to, I dunno, huffing THC out of a plastic bag on Channel 4, but he’s embraced his side-hustle as a minor icon with brio. Remember that time he mellifluously spoke along to Stormzy through the fug of low-key embarrassment? The internet does. But could he be Banksy? Well, those reports of Snow chanting anti-Tory slogans at this year’s Glastonbury suggests a political alignment with the street artist at least.

More importantly, though, students love him – just like Banksy!

FKA twigs

Probability: 5

FKA twigs’ palpable (and justified) contempt for interviews suggests her art transcends the tawdry demands of press cycles. Wouldn’t it be easier if she could down the blunt tools of celebrity and produce, unburdened, in a utopia where the work itself is all – where its meaning could be understood in its own right, unsullied by MailOnline journalists misquoting your Wikipedia page. Wouldn’t that be an incredible dream?

Still not convinced? Perhaps her recent inroads into the art world will convince you.

Drake

Probability: 6

Think about it. Really think about it. Drake is the sensei of attention-stealing. He takes over the timeline on a bimonthly basis with ~hilarious~ dance moves, some of his songs have been played more times than there are people on earth and he famously adores British culture. Just imagine if he applied all his skills of distraction to politically-charged street art. Imagine! There haven’t yet been any sightings of Drake getting stopped at customs because his Louis V duffel bag’s been packed with aerosol cans and stencils but we’re just saying it’s possible.

Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford was – allegedly – ‘obsessed’ with ridding Toronto of graffiti. Would that deter the 6God? It would spur him on if anything!

Rag’n’Bone Man

Probability: 7

It’s unclear where the Rag’n’Bone Man came from. He just seemed to come to be. One day, we all just woke up and the fastest-selling male solo debut album of the decade belonged to this man from Uckfield who went to the Brits with Bradley Walsh. The whole thing felt very mysterious – sphinx-like even. Like Banksy, right!?

We’ve also heard from a totally unverified source that Goldie was getting a Fanta at the Londis on Hackney Road and was overheard saying to the cashier, “I’m just not a big fan of Rag’n’Bone Ma – sorry – Banksy’s work!”

The Dad from My Parents Are Aliens

Probability: 9

Now unfortunately, there isn’t really much evidence for this one. We know he was at Glastonbury which shows a loose affinity with left-wing ideals and countercultural discourse.

Also, if you properly think back to My Parents Are Aliens, you’ll remember that Brian and his wife Sophie crash landed on earth after Brian tampered with the controls in the spaceship which they left their home planet of Valux on. Surely, someone making art as subversive and effective as Banksy would have to have some kind of cynical outsider perspective. What’s going to give you more of an outsider perspective than literally coming from the planet Valux?

Jacques Greene

Probability: 0

It’s not Jacques Greene. Banksy isn’t Jacques Greene.

Lord Buckethead

Probability: 10

It’s definitely him.

Powell

Probability: 3

Whether its pasting disapproving emails from Steve Albini over London billboards, smashing up melons on stage or assembling subversive video collages of his University College namesake, Powell is a descendent of those original art pranksters, the dadaists. Is it too much of a leap to think that club music’s most brazen nonconformist might be given to stencils critiquing the New World Order? Yeah, you’re right. Nevermind.

Maxine Peake

2

Maxine Peake is a revolutionary. A socialist firebrand and outspoken supporter of Jeremy Corbyn who has inflamed the ire of The Sun – they called her a “tax efficient lefty luvvie”. Really, who could blame her if she took her righteous anger to the streets? Yeah, she’s probably busy being one of the most celebrated actors working today but she found time to interview the Sleaford Mods for the BBC, surely she has time to throw up a quick ‘Girl with Balloon’? To quote one of her recent roles: “God hath given you one face, and you make yourself another.” THINK. ABOUT. IT.

Konstantin

Probability: 1 tbh

The Giegling co-founder recently claimed that he has a “habit of taking opposite positions to challenge people”. We can see it now, the young Konsti sitting alone – always alone – in his Bauhaus University halls of residence, lost in profound intellectual thought. As he gazes out the window over the verdant Weimar landscape a train of thought emerges. Hmmm… if only there was a way to counter the status quo? To really subvert society’s norms and wake people from their cognitive slumber? There must be a way…

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