Over the years McDonald’s has had its fair share of shonks, upsets and controversies. The fact it exists is enough to make some dreadlocked crust munchers start crying into their vegan BLTs. That said, I’ve heard various vicious rumours with varying degrees of realism, from the supposed fact the milkshakes contain more meat than the burgers, or that the burgers contain so much sugar they’re legally classed as a dessert, to the slightly more believable spoon shaped milk shake stirrers being discontinued due to their frequent use by coke heads for hoofing beak up their snouts. Of course the average coke head doesn’t know where to find a suitable alternative, but that’s a different story for no other time ever.

The fact remains, none of these things can be proved, and while I would stop eating at McDonald’s I’m not convinced that a meaty milkshake, much like a horse lasagne, is really that big a deal. In fact, I like a good steak, I like a good shake, why the heck not? If it feels good, do it. What’s really been eating me up recently is the last few TV spots Ronald and chums have decided to air. There’s been a slew of them, soppy, hyperbolic, painfully overemotional adverts aimed right at the fucking heart. The only thing is if you have a brain, or even half a brain, they will miss your heart and just make you want to vomit all over the little plastic tables.

Last year we saw the one where the guy in the suit goes to his first day at work, gets bamboozled by a load of new information such as a host of confusing names like Barry and Harry and Larry, sits at his grey desk and then fucks off for a Big Mac Meal. At this point he smiles and sees the girl of his dreams across the room. What they are telling us is that the only way to escape the grind is to eat fast food served to you by acne scarred teenagers who hate their lives because they have to spend each and every day serving smug office workers shit quality burgers in a uniform that smells constantly of grease and death. But don’t worry, there might be an average looking wench in there who you can bang in the toilet and never talk to again.

Next came the one where we were told McDonald’s was a place for every occasion including; falling in love, proposing, doing spreadsheets (I thought that’s why the other bloke wanted to get out of the office in the first place), breaking up, having a funeral, banging your coworker, doing a kidnap… the list goes on but I won’t bore you. Suffice to say, the advert is another travesty of the highest order, trite, overblown, sentimental nonsense. Imagine having your heart broken in McDonald’s? Chances are you’d probably throw that delicious, piping hot fresh ground coffee in her face before exiting and leaping in front of the nearest bus. Fuck me can it get any worse?



Yes, of course it can. Enter Dave. Dave is mum’s new boyfriend, he looks like he might have been into The Stone Roses once, probably did a few pills in the 90s, and knew Bez before he was famous. Basically, he’s probably an alright guy, but what happens when mum wants him to move in? Of course, as every child from a broken home knows, step parents are inherently evil and like fuck do you want them coming in your house and being all Ian Brownish, leaving cool records around, and offering to fix your bike. Fuck no, he’s kissing your mum and only you get to kiss your mum right? So every time he offers you something nice you say, “nah, you’re alright!” That’ll show the bastard who’s the man around here! Wrong. Grow up you twat, he’s fucking mad fer’ it and he’s proper sound like.

Fair enough though, I’ve done a bit of research and found out that apparently if you’re not well adjusted and middle class like me it can be a pretty raw deal seeing your mum get nobbled by a guy called Dave who’s not your old man, so I can let the little brat’s angst slide. The real horror, however, comes when Dave can’t figure out how to make an omelette so he takes the kid to McDonald’s. He doesn’t like  gherkins so he offers it to Dave and then what does he say? He only goes and says “nah you’re alright”. Which has been the kid’s catchphrase through the whole fucking ordeal. The kid promptly smiles and realises that Dave is actually sound after all.

So what does it take for a former lad from Madchester and his brand new noughties android step son to make that connection that will hopefully secure a more stable family unit for both of them? Yes, thats right, it’s McDonald’s gherkins. I’ll make sure to remember one for my future failed marriage, divorce and eventual encroachment on to a fifteen year old lad’s old dear. If he doesn’t like me, I’ll take him to McDonald’s and mimic him. To be fair though, that exact technique is how I got my boss to finally give in and give me a raise, it’s also how I pulled my last girlfriend so there might just be some weight in this after all…


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Words: Billy Black

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