Some people who use tumblr are idiots, therefore “if you use tumblr you are an idiot” is not a sound conclusion. But my God there are is some serious guff on there. Among the maelstrom of turgid faeces the internet has spewed from its twisted guts, the trends and fads that appear as a result are probably the most abhorrent result known to man, and tumblr is full of them.

First there was witch house and now there is seapunk, a music scene that is little more than a hashtag. The premise of the ‘scene’, as far as I can tell, is this: it’s remixed whale song (you read that right) created by adolescent hipsters who apparently have more time on their hands than a thief in a herb garden. They seem to spend ALL their time superimposing themselves onto “hilarious” marine-themed landscapes and situations. ‘Oh look, it’s a turquoise-haired scenester on a beach/with a mermaid/getting tossed off by a dolphin.’

I can’t help thinking they must have been emos not too long ago who got depressed by My Chemical Romance breaking up and it led them to daytime T.V, which led to the constant repeats of Free Willy and it’s awful sequels prompting them to reinvent themselves in the image of the first fucking thing that came into their field of vision.

Please be directed to the two foremost architects of Sea Punk above, Albert Redwine and Shan Beaste and their lovely, lovely hair.

Anyway, I’m off to the aquarium to sample a porpoise. Bet you can’t fucking wait to hear what I can do with that and an hour of practice on GarageBand.

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