/ / 24.07.14

Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before

“The prairie yankee does the dance of the redskin/to the songs of the Yanglse and he doesn’t even know it”, howls Chris Leo on The Van Pelt’s track His Steppe Is My Prairie. What he’s getting at is this: sometimes it’s possible to completely rip on something without even realising.

The Van Pelt – as I’m sure you’ll be aware with your vast knowledge of obscure 90s post hardcore – were never really guilty of plagiarism because Chris Leo is some kind of God among men. He even won that most prestigious of indie rock awards; Charlotte Church’s official seal of approval.

The thing is though, whether the goon-faced angel of shite wants to claim she’s heard of him or not, he’s got a point. Sometimes it is possible to unwittingly steal an idea from the collective consciousness, infact 96% of this article is a direct rip off of the kind of mind numbingly trite crap that gets posted on stupid websites like Buzzfeed. Of course, there are certain rules that prevent artists from running around, mindlessly catapulting lawsuits at each other like they’re obese Americans who’ve suddenly decided it’s Ronald McDonald’s fault they can no longer fit into their car. Adorno once wrote that all music is plagiarism but let’s face it, he probably never heard that Elastica tune that sounds exactly like Wire; there’s homage, there’s a knowing, respectful nod and there’s good old fashioned “I can’t be fucked to write my own song because I’m a lazy piss ant.” Here’s five of the worst examples that have somehow managed to slip through the gates in the last couple of years.

MORRISSEY VS. PARQUET COURTS

Parquet Courts’ Yr No Stoner is one of the standout tracks from their incredibly solid debut album Light Up Gold. The track itself stands out, in no small part, due to it’s fabulous intro. An instantly recognisable riff that just reeks of laid back New York cool, lazy street punk daze and errm middle aged men from Salford? Yeah. That’s right. Morrissey wrote it first you bunch of jagbags. Moz might be a bit of a plug (although personally I like his frank approach to making the public feel really, really awkward) but he certainly doesn’t deserve to have his riff pinched by a bunch of faux cowboys based in fancy pants, bagel loving, Brooklyn. Shame on you Parquet Courts, shame on you indeed, oh and by the way, checked shirts? In 2014? Really?

GIN BLOSSOMS VS. ACTIVE CHILD

I believe it was Confucius who once said; “You can’t just whack a synth on it and change the lyrics you fucking clart.” You might remember Active Child, because he was a person making vaguely alternative music under a name which included two words during a time when merely having a name containing two words meant instant critical acclaim and a place in Pitchfork‘s albums of the year list. What everyone failed to notice, however, was that his biggest hit When Your Love Is Safe was also a complete and utter rip off of Gin Blossoms song. A fucking Gin Blossoms song. I mean, fuck, if you’re gonna be a leech, at least be a leech with good taste.

TOTO VS. LIGHTNING DUST

This is a strange one, because Diamond by Lightning Dust is actually, technically speaking the best song ever written. Well, maybe. It’s in the top 100,000 anyway. Africa by Toto, however, isn’t. Yeah, your mates might find it fun to put it on at a party and let loose, but secretly everyone knows it’s overindulgent crap that somehow found it’s way from bargain bins and onto shitty compilations before becoming caught up in a whirlwind of ironic power ballad appreciation. It’s still shite though, and so are Journey and so are Europe and so are Boston. Anyway, just listen to the first few bars of the these two songs by side and tell me Lightning Dust weren’t watching a Time Life dad rock advert when they sat down to pen Diamond. To be fair though, the fact that Toto are accepted as a valid musical proposition is more of a crime than that will ever be.

THE EAGLES VS. HAIM

We’ll ignore the fact for a minute that Haim are inherently shite and have in their own way already gotten past security merely by being widely praised by people who are supposed to be responsible for helping young people develop taste. This is probably the most blatant rip off on this list. It’s painful to listen to these ‘innocent’ girls having a stab at rewriting a song by one of the most famous bands in the world. Nice try, if you think that lakes of Tresemme and admittedly brilliant use of GHDs product range make you impervious to being called out as a bunch of absolute tune burglars. You’re wrong. Bunch of absolute tune burglars.

SONIC YOUTH VS. SLOWCOACHES

We can forgive Slowcoaches for wanting to emulate Sonic Youth’s classic grunge pop anthem Teenage Riot (Skip to 1:20 on Teenage Riot). It’s a fucking brilliant song. In fact, if I’d never heard it on MTV2 when I was stoned after school that one time I probably wouldn’t have picked up that t-shirt from Urban Outfitters eight years later. I might have even saved me from pretending I’d like totally heard other Sonic Youth songs whilst talking to people at house parties before scuttling off to the toilet to “find my mate.” Unfortunately, I can’t deny the fact that Slowcoaches have in fact totally snagged their riff, no matter if they did make another pretty awesome pop grunge anthem out of it. They’re a pretty new band, so I’ll just say this for now: don’t do it again. Kids these days eh?

So that’s it musicians, you have been warned. Whether you’re a new band posting your tracks to SoundCloud, or a bunch of sisters who’ve somehow managed to blag the wider music press by pulling funny faces on stage; it’s never a good idea to steal other people’s music, because some pedantic twat will always notice. You might even be called out in a blog and four people might read it and then you’ll see. Then you’ll see.

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