GO ON, FREE YOUR FUCKING MIND MAN! //

You’re bored, alone and skint. All your mates are out dancing in some sweaty shit hole to some boring repetitive music that you’ve never heard and probably couldn’t get into anyway. Chances are that at this point in your evening you’re thinking that you could just reach for the Cutters Choice, slap Ace Ventura 2 on the VCR and chill wid a Red Stripe. Yeah for sure, that’s definitely a way to pass your ever fleeting time pretty nicely. But ask yourself this question – will it make you as fucking radical as Tom Cruise?  It most definitely will not, so maybe you should consider signing up to a weird philosophy and giving away all your money to a man who will eventually order you to kill yourself, your girlfriend and your dog before teleporting to Saturn to live in blissful harmony with her tranquil, life-giving rings. Probably hadn’t thought of that had you? Well, fear not because it is an option. Here’s a quick run down of some sects that could liberate you from your mundane existence.

 

NEOTHINK SOCIETY

The mildly sinister realm of Neothink society is lead by Mark Hamilton, a man with a stellar moustache and that big special secret you’ve been searching for. All he wants you to do is give him some/all of your money and he’ll tell you his big special secret. Mark Hamilton explains that “All nations throughout all history, all nations have been in one dimension.” It makes perfect sense really. He plans to take us all out of that singular dimension to make us all rich and happy. Yay! So is Neothink a cult? Well it’s hard to say really. But it’s definitely as creepy as the things that the genie says when you play the Aladdin soundtrack in reverse.

 

FREEDOMAIN RADIO

Now you’re really ready to go hard in the paint. Freedomain radio is the perfect step up, like Neothink, they mainly seem to recruit from youtube. But unlike Neothink, they openly promote all those really great ideas like emancipation from your family, total devotion to their leader and separation from everyone you love in order to better yourself. You can even go and join them in their super sinister base in Canada and learn all about libertarianism and all those damn evil forces inside you that MUST be purged and destroyed. You can become the person you’ve always known you can be or something equally inspiring and nice. Sounds like loads of fun yeah? I mean who wouldn’t want to be a part of something? Even if that something does end in being brainwashed, enslaved and absolutely bat shit crazy.

 

LANDMARK EDUCATION

Last but not least, it’s Landmark! The super fun inspirational learning course for all the family! Except, don’t tell your family because it’s basically like Scientology without all that alien baloney. The first really cool and totally logical thing they get you to do is tell them all the things that you regret doing in your life, all those dirty secrets that they will never, ever use to blackmail you in case you decide you want to stop giving them all your money and return to your life as a lonely World of Warcraft enthusiast.

 

So stop grasping at straws and pretending you actually think its cool to “tend bar” or whatever the fuck you’re calling it, you beautiful young mess. Dive into the mesmeric whirlpool of digital idealism, a spiritual awakening awaits, unbox your consciousness now!

Words: Billy Black

 

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