Words by:

Most of Parquet Courts are from Texas, but they’re sort of a Brooklyn band.

In April they will release their fifth LP Human Performance, but it’s sort of their fourth, because their last album was credited to Parkay Quarts. Anyway, it’s complicated, but it’s not important – the important thing is that Human Performance is an excellent record, and that Parquet Courts manage to be incredibly smart and fun at the same time. This interview was conducted with Sean, who plays bass and is now my favourite member of the band.

What was your favourite cartoon when you were a kid?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

What are you currently reading?
Supernatural Strategies for Making a Rock ‘n’ Roll Group by Ian Svenonius.

What’s your signature recipe?
A grilled cheese sandwich.

Who’s your favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan?
Method Man.

"Most famous person I’ve ever met? Fred Durst"

What’s the worst hotel you’ve ever stayed in?
Oh man. We stayed in one of those Ibis budget hotels in Scotland on Halloween, and it was fucking crazy. It was so small, so they’d tried to find ways to give the impression it was larger. They made one of walls look like an outdoor scene, but it wasn’t a painting, it just was a like a high res printout of a photograph they’d enlarged. There was a guy texting in the photo.

Do you have any regrettable tattoos?
I have a shit load of them, but I think regretting them is pointless.

Have you ever shoplifted?
You know I did one time, I felt sickening guilt. I stole Sonic The Hedgehog temporary tattoos from a magic shop when I was really young and it just fucking destroyed me. I ended up burying them in my mom’s backyard and confessing to her.

Describe your worst haircut…
I had a green mohawke when I was in like eighth grade, that was pretty fucking terrible!

What’s the worst live music performance you’ve ever seen?
System of a Down at Reading and Leeds.

If you could pick a surrogate grandparent, who would it be?
A surrogate grandparent as in to have an old lady to be impregnated with my seed and for her to give birth to the child?

Errrm… no, a surrogate grandparent as in to just have an old person come into your life and function like a grandparent.
Ahhh, that’s a good question. For the granddad I’d pick Billy Bob Thornton, and for the grandma I’d have Jessica Rabbit, she’s probably pretty old now.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
I worked at this place Great Harvest, a chain bakery in America. They didn’t make it clear at first, but it turned out to be a thinly-veiled Christian place. I was like 17 and in a punk band, I was going on tour for the first time and the guy was like “well, this doesn’t look very good for you”. I had another job at the time in a small tapas restaurant, and he came there while I was working and fired me.

That’s not very Christian of him.
No it’s not, it’s more like The Grand Inquisitor or something – they think they’re doing Jesus’ work but they’re just being assholes. I’ll never forgive him, I hate that place and I hope it burns down!

Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?
I think it’s Fred Durst.

Nu-metal seems to be becoming a reoccurring theme in this interview.
I could talk to you about nu-metal all day long.

Ok then. Papa Roach or Linkin Park?
Fuck both of them.

Slipknot or Marilyn Manson.
Shit. You see, I love both of them. But I’d pick Slipknot.

Are Deftones sort of good, or are they just trash?
This is a very interesting question. I think they have their moments, White Pony, for example, is actually a really good record. I think they get a pass because they don’t completely align themselves with the nu-metal community, even though they’ve collaborated with Korn and stuff.

And how many members of Korn can you name off the top of your head?
I couldn’t tell you the name of their new drummer, but I can tell you: Head, Munky, Fieldy, Jonathan Davis and… Brian Silveria? [It’s actually David Silveria – ed]

Not bad. Ok, this is my final question: What would you like written on your tombstone?
“Yep, that’s the guy”

Human Performance is released 8 April via Rough Trade. Parquet Courts appear at Field Day, London, 11-12 June