Dear Frankie: Advice on fuckbois, navigating singledom and the bro club
Introducing the new Crack Magazine Agony Aunt: Discwoman’s Frankie.
Looking for guidance on sex, politics, techno and reality TV? The founding member of NYC’s Discwoman collective is here to help. This month, she answers her first round of questions, submitted by Crack’s readers. She covers the important stuff: making it in the boys club and how to deal with toxic relationships.
Want your questions answered next month? Ask Frankie at AgonyAunt@crackmagazine.net.
When you are the only woman in an ego-ridden bro club, how do you stand up for yourself while simultaneously ‘playing the game’? Sometimes not taking shit can backfire into being alienated and ultimately losing out on opportunities.
This is a constant thing to navigate. I really don’t have a complete answer. I trust my gut a lot and if something doesn’t feel right, I pretty much always say something.
However I know I’m in a advantageous position when combating men as Discwoman’s whole identity is based on this, so when you have a collective of people behind you, standing up for yourself becomes a lot easier and the fear of loss becomes smaller. But this is not most people’s situation. To answer literally: if you’re by yourself at a club and dealing with shitty men I think it’s worth talking to the management about it. BUT what if the management are shitty? THEN I think public complaints about public spaces can force them to become accountable.
But there is also the reality that they just remain shitty and in some cases we have to take the L and move on for our own sanity. To answer more figuratively, I don’t think anything changes unless people speak up. It’s history’s biggest lesson. However, one of the hardest parts of being an activist is not really seeing things change at the pace you like. It can often feel unrewarding, alienating and sometimes people don’t want to work with you because of it. But it’s the price you pay for what you believe I suppose. That being said, imagine a world where no one fought back – where the fuck would we be?
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I’m tired of dating – unappreciative fuckbois are really draining my energy rn. What advice do you have for single ladies like myself? How can we resist?
I’ve basically been single my whole life, save a few trial runs lmao. Once I had a friend tell me that I was lucky that I hadn’t been in a relationship, she said it was the most oppressive experience she’d had. Whilst I don’t think that’s true for everyone, it drastically reframed the way I looked at relationships as something we feel pressured to aspire for.
I believe being single is a place of resistance, I think often people just end up accepting the person they’re dating because they’re scared of being alone or not being loved. The commitment to this aspiration has damaging effects on your confidence and ambition. Every man I’ve dated has been a fuckboi, some more likeable than others. I really don’t think there are many men that aren’t. I don’t mean this in a bitter way but that it sociologically makes sense that they would be. They’ve pretty much been doing whatever they want with us forever and now we’re seeing a pretty big discourse and pushback around this but they just can’t keep up so they always kind of fail in a way.
God this sounds really depressing, but dating is really just a barometer of how much bullshit you’re willing to put up with. There’s never going to be a perfect man and we shouldn’t really have to deal with anything less than perfect BUTTTT the reality is there’s always going to be work we have to do within that context and it’s up to you how hard you want to have to work. It’s perfectly acceptable and, for me, aspirational to not want to do any work at all. That being said I love love, I love intimacy, I love sex and these are things I cannot sacrifice so if the first time you challenge their behaviour it’s met with reflection and not defensiveness there’s some hope. Test it on your next fuckboi.
I love going clubbing because I’m surrounded by likeminded people. I’d like to become friends with them, but the problem is I’m really shy – or I find it difficult to extend past typical club small talk. How do I strike up meaningful friendships on the dancefloor?
Honestly it took me like five years of living in NYC to really cement a group of people I can call my family. It’s definitely a process that one shouldn’t feel pressured to force. I’ve had some really shitty friends, and it’s remarkable how much we can convince ourselves to put up with that just because we desire company. I was obsessed with being liked and accepted, when really the best people gravitate to you when you’re focusing on yourself. Anyway digressing a little but I guess my point is I wouldn’t feel too stressed about making friends, the right people will be drawn to you and it will be way worth the wait.
I don’t have a great relationship with my family. What can I do to cope with feeling blue over the holiday season?
The veneration of family time feels like such a dated concept to me, so anything connected to that, like holidays, etc, really offend me in some way so I completely understand that dread that comes with this season. I do have family I spend time with, which is nice, however I think creating your own holiday events with friends can offer the same familial moments that perhaps help to redefine the season for you. But if you’re not interested in celebrating the holidays with your family, then literally don’t. Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t like. Like watch every single Office episode – both UK and US – or South Park or Lord of the Rings, or listen to every Lil Wayne album or anything that’s really long and passes time until this shit storm of season is over. Of course paired with wine (if you drink) or seltzer with lemon (if you don’t).
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