These are scary hours.

Tomorrow (Friday 29 June) sees the release of Scorpion, the fifth studio album by successful rapper Drake. The LP arrives at the end of a fraught season that’s seen Aubrey send shots on the world stage and, for the first time in recent memory, sustain a few chinks in his armour.

Most notably, the 6 God’s gone quiet. The king of omnipresence is absent. The boy’s lost. Following a surgical dissection from Pusha T that left listeners gobsmacked and questioning, it’s been radio silence from the OVO camp besides a typically ominous trailer soundtracked by a Moderat album track from five years ago. Scary hours indeed.

The question is, who will Drake send for when Scorpion lands? Who will be caught in the crossfire? Who’ll get a direct message? Who will bear the brunt of some ghostwritten but nevertheless razor-sharp wisecrack? We put our thinking caps on and came up with a prospective hit-list.

We aren’t sure whether Ladbrokes will be open for business on this front but here’s a rundown anyway. Scorpion Season.

Pusha T

Odds: 1/4

Highly likely. Given Pusha accused him of hiding a child (more on that shortly) before taking shots at his producer’s multiple sclerosis, prompting a statement from the National MS Society, I think it’s fair to say the gloves are off. Part of Pusha’s success came in Pulitzer-worthy investigative findings – the hidden son and an image of Drake in blackface which he used as the artwork. Drake’s probably got the Broskis going full Spotlight right now.

Richard Madeley

Odds: 300/1

You think Drake’s infatuation with British subculture starts with box-fresh 110s and ends with LOTM clashes? You’re sorely mistaken. This man is a head. What better way to prove his allegiance to the Isles and finally gain citizenship than throw shade on one of the nation’s best loved anchors?

Potential sneak-diss: “I know you’ve had a TV show but I’ve got all the hits right / How’s it gonna feel when you catch Judy on the six siiiiiiiiiiide


Odds: 20/1

Never one to miss a moment of relevancy, perhaps Drake will send for reportedly “fine” footballing legend Diego Maradona. Maradona’s been acting up – maybe partying a little too hard in the executive box and showcasing precisely the kind of dance moves Drake likes to keep for himself. Time’s up Diego.

Potential sneak-diss: “You sweating boy, I never seen an OG look so stressy / You all out of the game and now things are getting Messi

Lil Tay

Odds: 50/1

Nobody’s safe, not even the youngest flexer of the century. It’s been a rocky few months for nine-year-old Instagram personality Lil Tay whose credibility as a genuine baller has been called into question a number of times. Drake likes to fight fire with fire so often responds to doubts around his own authenticity by calling out other fakes.

Potential sneak-diss: “I know you think you’re balling and sure, you might not be that poor / But at least I can remember the launch of the App Store. *six!*”

His hidden son

Odds: 100/1

One of the keys to Drake’s success has always been owning his flaws. Maybe the best way to bounce back from Pusha’s allegations that he’s hiding a child would be to send for that alleged child on a track. Genius.

Potential sneak-diss: “When I heard that you were coming my career prospects diminished / So here’s a game of hide and seek we’re never gonna finish!

J. Prince

Odds: 7/2

Hip-hop mogul J. Prince has claimed that he talked Drake out of releasing a “career-ending” response to Pusha T. It’s a track Prince described as “overwhelming”. Ffs J. Prince. Drake should fire back at the veteran for trying to restrain him. Maybe he could call him out for being like, old or something? Insider tip.

Milly Bobby Brown

Odds: 40/1

Drake and 11 are BBFs. He even gifted her one of the not-for-sale Scorpion bomber jackets and she’s already gassed for the tour. But never trust it when Drake makes new friends, he said it himself. Aubrey’s got a history of keeping friends close until they get too big. More Stranger Things is expected next year and she’s signed up for the next two Godzilla movies. Money moves, time to cut ties.

Ariel Pink

Odds: 100/1

Oh god, please.

Potential sneak-diss: “I’m reclining with my feet up, luxury resort in Tahiti / Reminiscing on when you had it with the Haunted Graffiti / 9.0 on Pitchfork boy, that’s really a feat / But those early home demos are tricky to beat


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