Where does the tongue end and the cheek start?
A founder of Ultramagnetic MCs and – eventually – an indisputably prolific rapper, Kool Keith. Grade A nutter. For some, MF Doom is somewhat indebted to him for the comic book alter egos and that tumbling seamless maniacal flow thing. Lot more maniacal and ruthless with Keith, though. Images that recur over his entire career are bald girls and wigs (usually weaves), green cars (often efficient, practical ones like Saabs), space travel, breakfast cereal, alligators, motorcycle helmets, Campbell’s Soup. All of this generally sprinkled with piss and semen and located in the twisted amusement park that is Kool Keith’s brain.
Sometimes, he’s one of the most compelling and strangest lyricists in music. But not someone you would want to meet on Tinder. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. You’re probably not though.
Either way I thought it would be fun to listen to 120 of his songs and select the best (worst?) of his insane output. It was an odyssey that might have changed me forever. I tumbled through a strange fascination with animals, very occasionally faced a shadow of a glimpse of isolation, fragility and the tragic humanity of an outsider. Mostly though you should watch out for a line about a Parakeet dying.
Here’s a drop from Keith’s demented swimming pool.
1. “I threw a rat with mayonnaise at your headlights.” – Neighbours Next Door
2. “I went inside mcdonalds and got a cuppa tea.” – Mommy
3. “Take a picture with the cheeseburger, let him know how you got your hair done.” – Maxin In The Shade
4. “I knew something was wrong when I gave away my VHS and sold a pair of my socks.” – Drugs
5. “Say “what?” with sperm dripping down your partner’s butt.” – Sex Style
6. “Oh shit, there’s a horse in the hospital.” – General Hospital
7. “Imma do it for you circumcised niggas.” – Technical Difficulties
8. “You have bees flying around your rectum.” – Elective Surgery
9. “Bisexuals on the stage eatin Froot Loops.” – Sex Style
10. “That sloppy Gotti style just a bowl of Wheat Oats.” – Still The Best
11. “Half-shark half-man skin like alligator carrying a dead walrus.” – Halfsharkalligatorman
12. “Type of mother fucker to eat a lotta celery.” – F.U. M.F
13. “You tried to laugh at me, my thousand dollar white shoes.” – Fat Lady
14. “Lima beans drop down and grease your dirty jeans.” – Get Off My Elevator
15. “You out there, I’m still here, who bought your new hair?” – Wanna Be a Star
16. “You got your fans suped up, people drinkin urine a mysterious friendship girl begs for anal sex.” – Keep It Real
17. “I know this girl with her own crib – in isolation.” – Lovely Lady
18. “Groupies standing around with they face frown lookin round like they fuckin Homey the Klown.” – No Chorus
19. “Girls smile when I walk with alligators through the mall.” – Mack Trucks
20. “You say you sellin’ furniture, I don’t believe you.” – I Don’t Believe You
21. “Like a can of Campbell’s soup, you’re soft and moist.” – Chillin’ with Chuck Chillout
22. “You’re how my sperm tastes.” – Keep it Real
23. “I’m not no basketball star, your girl watch me pee.” – Regular Girl
24. “And eat up toy ducks I beat up.” – Critical Beatdown
25. “With gold chains my glasses fog in the rainy weather.” – Still The Best
26. “Hung from a tree with rusty nails in your rectum crack.” – In Your Face
27. “I sent a picture to your wife sporting hooker boots.” – Keep It Real
28. “Pull your panties down, take your wig off, let me see your bald head.” – Keep it Real… Represent
29. “Dissin’ a mouse and smackin’ any gerbil. I bought a Saab, a 1990 turbo.” – Ease Back
30. “I caught you after the show naked out, butt out, cracked out, with two rolls of film tryin to sell pictures of your lover with you, molestin’ your little brother.” – Little Girls
31. “Your head is triangle like a mango.” – Watch Me Now
32. “I smell a grape in the duck preserve.” – Give the Drummer Some
33. “I saw you on the greyhound bus station floor layin down.” – Sweet Unique Pete
34. “With child support, I drag your coffins in the court.” – In Your Face
35. “Flip off your hairpiece while milk spills up on your weave.” – Regular Girl
36. “I’ll disconnect 3 of your fingers you won’t be able to point at shit.” – Mad Man Departure
37. “Makin’ collect calls back to my pops.” – Drugs
38. “Put my motorcycle helmet on and feel the power.” – The Mack Is Back
39. “I use a black marker, i draw you face in a sketch.” – Sly We Fly
40. “Hold up mirrors to hell, where your face went?” – Kick a Dope Verse
41. “Hey what’s the smell down there? look in the basement. 2 eyes missin. next day, where your face went?” – Sly We Fly (narrative first appears in Kick a Dope Verse
42. “With Dolly Parton music playin in my pickup truck.” – Sly We Fly, very next line after #41
43. “My gold sandwich, a swig o’liquor, chewin duck.” – Sly We Fly, very next line after #42
44. “I’m lookin at a TV, lookin for good love.” – Sly We Fly
45. “I take pictures of bullets in your navel, open your face and pour milk in your forehead.” – Apartment 223
46. “He had a house uptown on Green Apple road. a human body buried, monkey, plus a little toe.” – Kick a Dope Verse
47. “I’ll bite your fuckin nose and spit it back in your fuckin’ lap.” – Mad Man Departure
48. “I was in the room sweatin’ thinkin about the rent, playin bingo.” – Drugs
49. “Scrib scrab, scribbly scrab motherfucker with a crayon.” – Ya Not That Large
50. “Paninis.” – Boss to Banger
51. “Earthquake schizophrenic eating Campbell’s soup.” – Apartment 223
52. “I used to hang with Jim Jones before he started the massacre.” – Body Bag
53. “Reindeers cross the freeway.” – I Wanna Play With You
54. “I beyond that average cha-cha and trendy salsa music.” – I’m a Tell U
55. “Takin’ pictures with Michael Jackson and the seven dwarves.” – Jewellery Shine
56. “People standing on doormats next to cats and dead rats.” – Eldoradoes
57. “I’m takin your ass in a rented van to venice beach in a cardboard box beatin yer knees down with a bag of master locks. Police can’t hear you with a dead body tied near you It’s hot, I’m drinkin soda.” – Apartment 223
58. “Spittin’ pumpkin seeds on the livin room floor” – Maxin’ In The Shade
59. “I cancelled the Limp Bizkit tour.” – Big Frank
60. “Grabbing crackers outta the refrigerator.” – Welfare Love
61. “Bones in refrigerators, spring water and lettuce.” – Apartment 223
62. “There are some conflicts in the kitchen: a turkey sandwich on top of the refrigerator.” – Maxin’ in the Shade
63. “Warm tea and chickin broth.” – Girls Would u Fuck Tonight
64. “Warmin’ my bread and sauerkraut while your legs boil.” – Apartment 223
65. “The answerin’ machine filled up with mysterious voices.” – Girl’s In Jail
66. “Now you sleep. while your head burst, I divin in like a champ goin head first.” – Blackula
67. “Dark Vader watchin’ DVD.” – Dark Vader
68. “Who’s that standin’ over there takin pictures for rolling stone magazine with the leech on a polar bear” – Captain Save ‘Em
69. “Condom on my dick, let’s be safe.” – Girl Would U Fuck Tonight
70. “Shit on your shirt, pee on your chest and toss it in a salad.” – Spank-master (Take Off Your Clothes)
71. “Ladies with lingerie cry cos I wear protection.” – Captain Save ‘Em
72. “Bloody towels on sculptures.” – Apartment 223
73. “‘We’re ya neighbours next door down on the next floor’ ‘hey hey, y’all got some toilet paper?’” – Neighbours Next Door (Jacky Jasper actually says the toilet paper line)
74. “Walking in large restaurants ordering a bowl of chicken broth.” – You Live at Home with Your Mom
75. “Even veterans grow up with tight pants and lipstick.” – I Run Rap
76. “You thought I was crazy catchin the greyhound bus down south, collectin lightening bugs and bringing dead mouse in the house, holdin a fortune with a jar of termites.” – Welfare Love
77. “As I walk through the garden of orange tomatoes, all I see – blue flowers.” – Blue Flowers Revisited
78. “I remember the days when King Vitamin was in the supermarket. Kool-Aid was slurpy. Mom used to make it real slurpy.” – Welfare Love
79. “With a stolen g-string sporting a zirconia ring out the Cracker Jack box.” – Bald Headed Girl
80. “Eatin’ coworkers food, I’m rude.” – Body Bag
81. “Stop draggin’ elephants into department stores while people shop.” – Body Bag
82. “We stuck together when one of my parakeets died, you broke down and cried.” – Welfare Love
83. “Here’s some peanut butter little beautiful rat. Nobody understands you. You’re so cute.” – Mr. Ratt
84. “These bitches aint payin for shit they up here eatin then they getting ready to plan to go to somebody else’s house after this. They usin’ us man.” – Bitch Gets No Love
85. “Smearin’ your mailbox with peanut butter and jelly and pickles from the deli.” – Live
86. “Leave a poison sick rat crawlin’ slow around your toilet stool.” – Live
87. “Listenin’ to a tape by Slayer, parked in a parkin lot by burger king eatin a raw pack of chicken wings.” – Neighbours Next Door
88. “I’m passin’ you with a leather coat that looks similar to yours.” – Live
89. “Stab your fuckin’ leather coat.” – Apartment 223
90. “I don’t wanna be kinda different but…are you bald headed? Yeah, I like that you got a lot of that stuff off the horse.” – Bald-Headed Girl
91. “Big haired babes with diapers.” – Bitch Gets No Love
92. “I’m in one of my three luxury apartments eating raisin bran cereal.” – Leave Me Alone
93. “Why you think I should wear a motorcycle helmet…why don’t you wear it?” – Leave Me Alone
94. “Terry, I hate a lot of them same black pants you been wearin dancing. Take 2 days off.” – Girls Don’t Like The Job
95. “As a child growing up collecting marbles and roaches.” – Alpha Omega (The Beginning)
96. “In the shark bar eatin’ salad.” – Livin’ Astro
97. “Pet little turtles in your bedroom.” – Supergalactic Lover
98. “I bet you ten packs of human hair the Yankees aint losin’.” – Bald-headed Girl
99. “Remote control alligators.” – Maxi Curls
100. “Baldhead 2000.” – Bald-headed Girl
101. “Remember, I’m blacker than your used Acura.” – Keith Turbo
102. “A Mexican cat sold me the turtles.” – Vibrato
103. “I’ll give you stuffed animals.” – Fine Girls
104. “I want you to fax yourself to China, Ok? Do this now.” – Girls Don’t Like The Job
105. “You don’t scare me, I’m the man that bought your girl some hair.” – I Don’t Play
106. “Throwin’ faeces at celebrities at the billboard awards.” – Analog Technics
107. “Throwin’ faeces at your windscreen wipers.” – Space Cadillac
108. “Two cows a zebra will jump through your atmosphere.” – Dr. Octagon (by Dr. Octagon)
109. “Get in the water and test the electric wires… Hold this… Here’s some bread.” – I’m Destructive
110. “Watchin’ the cat breakdance on the doormat.” – 2005
111. “Now I’ma have to urinate in your left hand.” – The Plaques
112. “Y’all nothing but packs of candy and sweets.” – Robert Perry
113. “After you leave the carwash I shit on top of your Cherokee Jeep.” – War
114. “Complexion of the atmosphere.” – Conspiracies
115. “Since when you ate carpfish and meat patties?” – 27 Shots
116. “Stabbed himself with a yellow number 2 pencil.” – Object Unknown
117. “Ladies hop in the box like kittens.” – Hey
118. “Park in the space section.” – Aluminium
119. “It’s a turmoil state with VCRs and baby oil.” – Robert Perry
120. “For the love of animals I used to always cut the legs off a roach, see if he’ll stay there on a tissue and give him a piece of toast. That morning I would wake up and he would be gone.” – Welfare Love
Keith. Our man Keith. As this exhaustive, exhausting odyssey concludes, what strange fruits we have accumulated. 20 hours of just that voice. God, that was incredibly unhealthy. Smooth and aggressive New Yorker, that voice. That voice, speaking to this writer in his idle moments, now, and before fading into sleep. That voice.
Man pulling up in a green Rolls Royce with one eye purple, one eye blue; room in the back for 10 girls, but nobody there now, just an empty box of Froot Loops with a few of them fallen out. Used tissue and an old wig in the open glove compartment. The sickly smell of dry come and artificial sweetener. And something stronger, too. Stop at a green traffic light and watch some reindeers cross up ahead. Looking back and forth between the reindeer and an air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror, made to look like one of those uncomfortable super-hardcore pornographic playing cards. We don’t talk, it’s better that we don’t talk.The sky, a billowing black silk scattered with shattered glass and punctured with fast green laserbeams and holograms.
A billboard to the right, framed in gold, an old memory of his. He smiles gently, mirroring the face he sees. Here’s the man who speaks in that strange rap song. Somewhere on the spectrum between that driver and that face in the billboard, actually. This was a dream of Kool Keith.
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