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You’ll have heard it.

Kids in playgrounds are screaming “The ting goes skrrraaah!”. “Corn flakes” have taken on a whole new meaning. Nobody’s taking their bloody jackets off. Whipping the suits at the labels into a frenzy and bringing the streets to its knees, it’s Big Shaq’s Man’s Not Hot – the hottest record in the world.

Following a game-changing Fire In The Booth freestyle, Big Shaq – the parka-donning stoney-faced fictional rapper created by London comic Michael Dappah – is a bonafide sensation. Fresh from rubbing shoulders with hip-hop’s top table at the BET Awards in the US, we caught up with the country’s hottest (except he’s not) MC to talk cartoons, cabbage and Celine Dion.

What was your favourite cartoon when you were a kid?

Arthur. I liked his ears. His head. His head was like an egg and I like eating eggs for breakfast.

What was your favourite board game?

Snakes & Ladders. You had to spot the snakes in the grass, you know them ones there.

What is your least favourite question that journalists ask you?

Are you hot? Of course I’m not flipping hot. You get me? If I’m wearing my jacket, man’s not hot.

Who’s your favourite grime MC?

I don’t have one. They’re all good. Some of them are OK. Some of them are not good.

Do you prefer heavy metal or EDM?

Man don’t listen to them things. What’s heavy metal bruv? I don’t use pots and pans bruv. EDM!? Is that a medicine?

Who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?

Man like DJ Khaled.

No words of wisdom?

He said they don’t want us to win so we have to keep winning. You know like that?

That’s beautiful. What’s your signature recipe?

For what?

Like… cooking?

Big man. Do I look like a cook meals? Do I look like a chef? Is my name Gordon Ramsay? Jamie Olivers? Do I look like I eat olives?

What music would you play to seduce a potential lover?

Ha! Boyz II Men. Or maybe Backstreet Boys. You know them ones there? [Singing My Way] “Tell me why!” That would do the trick big man. Or Celine Dion. “Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you.” Titanic ting. Romance.

Who would you choose as your surrogate grandparent?

Man like David Attenborough. He knows about the tings. The wildlife and that.

Describe yourself in three words beginning with A

Alliteration. Awesomeness. Acceptable.

What’s a piece of advice you wish you’d given to yourself 10 years ago?

The grass is only green if you’re looking at it green.

I’m not sure what that means…

If the sun hits it at an angle it’s yellow. If it’s dark at night it could be blue. If you squint when you look it could be pink. It depends on what’s in your eyes.

“Who would I choose as my surrogate grandparent? Man like David Attenborough. He knows about the tings. The wildlife and that.”

So, like “Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder”?

Where’s the beholder? Who’s the beholder?

Well… you?

Big man. ‘Low that fam. I’m not on the romance ting.

What’s your favourite Snapchat filter?

I don’t use that big man. What am I using a filter for? You want me to put the flower over my head? You want me to put the puppy face on? Do I look like a poodle big man? This look like Lady and the Tramp? I’m not a poodle big man. It’s not 101 Dalmatians.

Is there anything else you want our readers to know?

I’m a man of the people. I love the supporters. Tell the readers to keep reading, it’s good for their eyes. Make sure you drink milk, eat bread, drink water and don’t eat too much cabbage.

What happens if you eat too much cabbage?

I don’t know. That’s why I’m saying don’t risk it.

Nice. What would you want written on your tombstone?

“Ya dun know. Big Shaq.”